I don't think I want to deal with you tonite. x

I don't know if I can handle this stuff much longer.

I am in total and complete love with my boyfriend and I mean I like other guys, but that's normal. Right now I'm just ultimately depressed though you'd never guess by the way I act in front of people. I'm a really active person, I like to boost peoples' self esteems but I can't boost my own. I want to talk to *one* person and one person only in person at this very moment, but can I? Of course not. That would be unfair, that would be stupid. That would be a mistake. If I could make that mistake again would I? Yes, yes I would.

Is it bad to feel this way about an ex-boyfriend? I know we can't be together, because I know we couldn't last, but that doesn't mean I can't care for him does it?

I got to go now though I think my boyfriend is back and I don't want him reading this right now.

I'd rather suffer.

'Ello poppet, check out http://hollynarcissism.livejournal.com/ for my poetry. <3

There's not much there at the moment.

And I don't think that I can take it.

Oh jeez! It's been forever and a day since I've said anything on here! I'm just too lazy to keep it up, it's like a freaking diary type thing, I can never keep those up.

My hair is officially no longer pink, and I miss it. I miss it so desperately, it was like a part of who I ammmmm! I'm broken hearted now.

Also we're officially renovating the kitchen, it's almost done, but yeah, we tore out a whole wall. God I just want the kitchen back, it's so close to being done and I am SO happy about that!

I'm tired, exhausted actually, I'm sick of a lot of bullshit. Well, like I said all the freshies hate me, but why the hell do I care? SERIOUSLY! I know I shouldn't, but I've never had anyone hate me before and it bothers me to know it! Grkwjkrlbj! At least I know ONE who doesn't.

Too bad he's my exboyfriend and Dustin (my current boyfriend, yeah we're going out again) doesn't like it when I hang out with him. It's understandable, but it's not like I'm going to do anything or he's going to try. I'll slap that bitch right upside the head if he tries anything with me. Haha.

Do you ever have that feeling you like somebody, but deep down you know you can't? That's how I feel and it's tearing me apart inside, why?! It's so fcking retarded and I hate itttt! I want this drama, this never-ending-conflict inside of me to STOP! It hurts.

ON A GOOD NOTE DARIAN IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!!!!

Darian is one of Dustin's friends, but he's a really cool kid, and thus, he's my friend as well. He moved to Montana, and I'm so excited that he's moving back here, I just hope that won't mean that I'll have to see Tony more often, because he's one of my ex-boyfriends and well, he's just a really mean kid. He bugs me y'know? Haha.

Anyway, I'm too tired to go on.

I saw that slut the other day, thought about getting out of the car and killing her, but I refrained myself.

Anyway, love muchly byebye.

I just don't care anymore...

So as much as I hate to admit it. I'm in love. Oh wait, I don't hate to admit it. I LOVE BEING IN LOVE!

I hate EX-GIRLFRIENDS of boyfriends though. Stupid slutty cunts, die. Sorry guys. I'm just a bit on the pissed side. She keeps fucking calling him, and it's driving me nuts. Maybe someone needs to hit her upside the head and tell her to get a life. They're not friends anymore, he's not going to hang out with her ever again. If he does I'll be extremely pissed. I know I shouldn't boss him around like that, but I hate her. I hate her soooo much. She just made everything worse!! Ugh...the only good thing is she brought him and I back together, other than that she's an ugly slut. :]

GOD I'M SUCH A BITCH! It's okay though, I could give a shit less, I'm hell of a lot prettier than her, and that's coming from a girl with a VERY low self-esteem, so that's not that great. I don't know what he saw in her. When I look at her I wanna barfff!! :[

Stupid whore me. I'm such a dumby. I'm sure people want to barf when they see me too, but I don't CARRRREEE! GOD I HATE HATING PEOPLE! I just can't help hating her, it's not even that I MEAN to do it, it's just there, this seething hatred that just makes me wanna like...smack her upside the head. :] I have half a mind to do it too, too bad I won't.

Stupid slut deserves it.

Once again. I'm sorry, I just need to call names right now, because I'm immature. 

I'll never apologize...

Aww man am I tired!

Y'know what really sucks? When you're talking to your boyfriend on MSN and his ex-girlfriend gets online and you ask him if he's talking to her, then all he tells you is he loves you and to trust him. Well, fuck. I trust HIM! I don't trust her! She's so stupid, does she not think I don't see it? Ugh! She calls him because she's DRUNK just to tell him that she's been DRINKING?! She tells him she's been carving into her leg but for him not to feel like it's his fault. ACK! That's so PATHETIC! All she wants to do is make him feel bad for her so he'll go back out with her, it's SO obvious and it's STUPID! I hate that little...ugh...

I hate talking shit about people. I hate hating people, it's too much work, but whenever something gets brought up about her I can't help it. I'm sure if she was having a difficult time he would go hang out with her to make her feel better or something because that's just like him to do that! I hate it! Well, if he's going to do that he can kiss me goodbye because I won't sit around and take it. I trust him completely, but after what he did I won't trust him around her. Never ever. I really hate feeling this way, it's so childish, but seriously. If he ever leaves me for her it's seriously like over, completely and utterly. I won't deal with it. She needs to get a life and grow up and move on.

On a lighter note, my Friday was the most AMAZING night of my life! Lol. Well, Devin called me up and he was like "hey can you do me a really big favor and take me over to Matt's?" and me being the nice person that I am did. It happened to be a GOOD thing though! Because when we did that Dustin got out to see Matt and then Matt invited us to stay for a bit so we did. It was hilarious and awesome Matt and Devin are so much fun and Matt is so hilarious.  They were sliding down the stairs on a sleeping bag and then they went down on their feet and like fell onto the floor face first. It was so amazing! I laughed my ass off! Matt and Devin kept being mean and making fun of me though. :( It was a sad exchange, lol! Well then we had to leave because I wanted to get my camera and Dustin wanted to get Matt his Valentine's day gift and Devin needed batteries so I went and did that and then we went back to Matt's again. Lol. Then we were like all sitting on the one seated couch, like I was sitting on Dustin's lap and then Matt sat on my lap. Lol. It was hilarious, but for a skinny kid he sure is heavy, or maybe he just has a really boney butt. Haha!

Well, needless to say it was a good night all in all. Afterwards I took Dustin home and then I went home and something really strange happened on my way home. I was going down the hill by my house and like I saw these two lights above this building that I'd never seen before. At first I thought it was just a plane, but then it didn't move. It was really creepy. Then Saturday night I went past again and there wasn't anything there. Maybe I'm just imagining things.

I'll right more later, I'm going to go read or go to bed now.

Tata!